For The Good Of The Mission
by IchthusFish
Summary: Malcolm Reed's thoughts as he sits in the brig during Affliction. Experimental Angst.


Beta: MisterB

Disclaimer: I don't own Enterprise in any way shape or form. It belongs entirely to Paramount. This is just for fun. I think that fanfic is a good way to explore what happens in between, and as a result of, the episodes. So, on with the exploration.

Spoilers: Affliction

Notes: This is an experimental piece, which seeks to answer the question that has been tickling my brain since I saw Affliction. _If Malcolm Reed has experience in covert ops, why didn't he do a better job of actually being covert?_

_notes edited: 13/02/05 - thanks for the feedback guys_

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**For The Good Of The Mission**

"_You've told me a lot about your father. His years in the Royal Navy. Your tradition of honour and service. How do you think he'll react when he learns you're facing Court-Martial?"_

"_I wouldn't know Sir."_

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I turn my head away. I don't want him to see the look on my face, the look in my eyes, even as I hear my own voice break. 'I wouldn't know,' I said. Hah! But I do know. Oh, I do know. I'm lying to him again. My Captain, and my friend. And he knows that I am.

Pull yourself together Reed. Don't you dare cry! Reed men aren't week. Reed men don't cry.

Reed men don't cry…

Reed men don't betray their commanding officer's either. Reed men don't betray their ship and their crew. Reed men don't betray their mission…

Reed men don't get themselves Court-Martialed.

Generations of Reeds have served their ships and their crews and have never faced that. Why did it have to be me? Why am I the first? Generations of Reeds…

Generations of navy men. Generations of sea-faring Reeds…

And me…

Lieutenant Malcolm Reed. On a ship amongst the stars. The first Reed to break from tradition. The first Reed to fear the water and to not face it. The first Reed to run away from his fears. The first Reed to disappoint his father. The first Reed to betray his Captain. The first Reed to betray his ship. The first Reed to betray his crew. The first Reed to betray his mission…

The mission…

But have I betrayed the mission? I don't think I have, but I wish I were more certain. The doubts are there at the back of my mind, but I cannot give them voice. I'm afraid of where they will lead if I give them voice. I cannot afford to doubt or falter. Too much is at stake.

After all, what choice did I really have? Torn between two commanders. Torn between two loyalties. What was the choice? Betray the mission to protect my friends; or betray my Captain to protect the mission. Some choice! A choice that is no choice.

Or maybe I simply betrayed myself. Becoming part of an organisation so secret that it hides itself from the very infrastructure that it works within. The rash decision of a young man in search of adventure and excitement; to covertly do the jobs that no one in Starfleet wanted to admit needed doing. Did I really believe that my past would stay in the past? That those things not even on my service record would simply remain hidden? I'm a Tactical Officer for heavens sake! My job is to anticipate! Why did I not anticipate that?

So Court-Martial it is…

I can see my father's face. The fury and the betrayal. I can hear his voice; as he tells me that I'm a failure; as he tells me that I'm a disgrace. The cold contempt that saturates his words as he tells me again how I have betrayed what it means to be a Reed; even as my back hurts from standing so straight, my face held in a tight mask, not showing the emotions that would make him yet more angry.

And yet…

That doesn't hurt as much as what I see in Archer's eyes; doesn't hurt as much as what I hear in my Captain's voice.

My father's coldness and disappointment I have lived with for a long time. But the Captain? The sick pain in his eyes when he realised my duplicity. The devastation and disbelief in his voice as he tried to comprehend that the loyal officer he had known and trusted for years had betrayed him. Worse still, the mixture of disappointment and pity in his eyes as he turned away from the brig to leave me to my thoughts. The anger and disgust that are warring within him, jostling for position even as he tries to control them so he can do his job.

The knowledge that this man, who I would give my life for in an instant, will never again allow me to be in a position to do just that. This man I have never lied to once, who will now question everything that I have ever told him. This man whom I trust and respect with every ounce of my being, who will never trust or believe me again, because of what I have done. That hurts beyond measure. And I can blame no one but myself…

Stop it Reed!

Stop thinking. For pity's sake! You are doing yourself no good. You need to sleep. Sleep will take away the pain, at least for a while.

Who am I kidding! As if I could get any sleep! Especially in this forsaken place. The lighting is too high for a start, and you can't turn it down. All the better for them to see you with my dear Reed…

My, my, we are getting sarcastic aren't we!

Well maybe sarcasm is all I have. In this tiny cell, with it's hard bunk and its basic food. Without privacy. Without liberty. Barely enough room to even pace…

Well that's what you get when you're a traitor Reed. The basics. No more, no less. What did you expect? At least it's better than on some worlds you've seen.

Funny isn't it. I'm responsible for this place. I've been responsible for confining people here. It's part of my duties. Or at least it was. Well now I know how they felt. Like a fish in a bowl. A very small bowl. Guess you could call that poetic justice couldn't you?

Enough Reed! That's enough of that! At least _try_ and rest. You really need to. You really should do. Just lie back. Cover your eyes from the light. And don't think. Just don't think…

Don't think…

Don't think…

How did I get so sloppy anyway? How did I get myself caught by a linguistics Ensign, and a Vulcan with a scanner? I'm trained in covert ops for heavens sake!

Has it really been so long since I used those skills? It can't be. If Harris didn't think my skills were still sharp he wouldn't have brought me into this would he? Maybe his people no longer know me as well as they think they do. Or was I a threat to them, so they ordered me on side? Maybe I'm just no longer as good as I was back then.

Or is it something else?

Did I want to get caught? Did I want it to end? Is that it? Oh, not in my conscious mind to be sure, but what about my subconscious? The doubts that are whispering and won't stay quiet. The guilt at betraying my Captain. Is it possible that I sabotaged myself?

And I did want to tell Archer. How I wanted to! How I wish I had told him. Confessed all to my Captain while there was still a chance he would believe me. Even though it would have broken his trust in me. I could have faced his anger; could have taken the reprimand I knew I had earned. Why didn't I? No punishment he could have given me would have hurt more than what I feel right now. This pain; this guilt.

But I didn't. And now is too late. Far too late. Yet I would give anything to be able to tell him even now. Especially now.

But I can't, I can't! I know I can't! Too much is at stake, and I am in too deep. So I must stay silent. I _must_ stay silent. For the good of the mission…

For the good of the mission.

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